Caution, this is a post that is simply raw and vulnerable, a processing post, not a critique, not about theology, simply a rendering of current thoughts and feelings as honestly as I can feel them.
It has now been nearly a month since returning from BSSM, and it has been quite a busy month to say the least. I’ve finished a game level for a client, started a company, learned a ton about corporate tax rules, seen God do some awesome things, and been catching up with a whole lot of people over coffee.
So, in the midst of all that, how am I doing? The first week was quite painful with strong feelings of loneliness (that’s to be expected when going from seeing friends every day to only sky ping or seeing people a couple times a week). And now? Once I found my rhythm here and formed a schedule for my days, I definitely felt much better, focused on the future more than grieving the past. setting up a business especially has had quite enough challenges and distractions to keep my mind occupied haha.
Yet, as glad as I am to have a schedule to feel focused, and to spend lots of time with my family, I still deeply miss BSSM. I can’t wait to see everyone again, hug them, and tell them how much I missed them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be home, and I think I am thriving where I’m at, but I do still miss BSSM, and I’m okay with that, but that feeling of loneliness does still persist.
One other aspect I have noticed is that I am not quite comfortable being at church here. This puzzled me the couple weeks until the Holy Spirit helped me realize that I was afraid that peoples opinions of me would have changed merely because I went to Bethel. So, to counter this fear, I have simply asked some people if that fear was true, if their opinion had changed, and so far the response has been a resounding, “no”. Thank goodness, I am glad for that. But it still seems so odd to be around people here who are familiar and yet their lives are so unknown to me now.
To sum it all up, I definitely feel far better than when I first got home, but it still feels altogether surreal. So, I am hard at work to earn money for second year and looking forward to returning while also attempting to make the best use of my time back home and enjoy the present moment!